I cannot rationalize it right now,
but I feel so alone,
& so useless,
that the e-mail with an opportunity to work in Tokyo brought tears of joy.
My brain just wants to run. Run far, far away.
Deep down inside, I know I just want consistency.
Someone who cares as much as I care.
Someone who is on the same wavelength.
My boss told me I looked defeated today. I just smiled, & shook my head no.
I’m just busy.
I’m freaking out about what to wear to a wedding next weekend.
Said the girl who never gave two fucks about her clothes fitting the dress code.
But really, freaking out. I’m on my third dress. Soon to be fourth or fifth, I think. (Returning gets exhausting.)
Is this the result of growing up? Conformity?
I get the shivers.
The time of day to run to Disco, to walk home from class, to wait for the 39 to meet a friend for a cortado in Palermo.
Some days I wonder what would’ve happened if I chose to buy that one-way ticket to EZE instead of taking the job I have now.
I was eating empanadas in Argentina when she came to the U’s campus to perform this winter.
The wrong things in this world.
Because I need more reasons to justify acquiring a cat for companionship.
For a good eight months, I NAILED it on the protein. I was up to 120g a day (compared to probably about 20g before small group fitness) with daily vitamins, fish oil included.
After spending a couple weeks eating starch & ice cream everyday (think South America) & then moving, I fell completely off. Completely.
I feel lucky to identify this now rather than 20lbs later. Because I’m lucky to have maintained where I am.
But I’m feeling sluggish again. Not as energetic, not as excited to run around at work for 9hrs a day. Some nights at Zumba are a complete chore. & I wasn’t born yesterday. This has to do with how I’m nourishing my body.
I’m committing to focusing on protein this week. Even as much as I hate protein shakes, I will embrace them back into my daily morning life- I admit, this morning was a little rough with two scoops of chocolate fastfuel. I will find new ways to prepare chicken, pork, & beef. I will commit to buying fresh meat at the grocery store (NO FROZEN, JENNA!), making non-starch meals instead of doing the Oh Shit! I have nothing to eat & making something half-assed. & vegetables will accompany my meat. Not wine.
Here is the thing I can’t stop thinking about with what’s happened here in Minnesota over the course of the past week: the display of support in the Twin Cities was staggering. The level of f*cks not given to those who might be offended by this acknowledgement of equal rights under the law was amazing.
But mostly, mostly. I think about a queer kid, riding in the back of her parents’ car seeing the city lit up like this. Maybe she hasn’t come out yet, maybe she’s been bullied, at home, at school, for being who she is. I can only imagine what seeing this would mean. And then I get teary and proud all over again.
Way to go, Minnesota. Who’s next?
I love my big, gay city.
The name of one of my new baskets.
To which I pronounce “joder.”
To which then I laugh uncontrollably as my co-workers wonder why I am the way I am.
In honor of the series finale of The Office tonight, I present this photo from 5 years ago when we had an Office themed party. Nerd alerts, for sure.
High school life.